i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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