from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
