they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
