im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
