he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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