I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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