dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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