My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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