I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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