i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
