I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
