Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
