wat bout pragnant strippers??
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
