Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i've created a new STD.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
