there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
