I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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