take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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