I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
