Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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