I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
