just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
