it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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