So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
