my phone needs a breathalizer
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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