Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i already hear my dad disowning me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
