Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
