dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
