and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
