After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just googled if crying burns calories
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
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I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He has the fingertips of a God
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