What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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