I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
