If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
