The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
