Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
