Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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