One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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