he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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