Tell her she can't have a vagina
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
