ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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