my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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