i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
