You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
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