I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
