I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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