Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
