After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
