If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
