just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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