That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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