You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
