Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
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He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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