Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
