I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
