Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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