WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
