Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
